Summertime... and the Living is Greasy.

It's been a while since my last post, and I thought I'd give you guys a look into how my mind works. This post is a collection of random, mostly work-related thoughts I've had in the last 6 weeks or so. This will be a rather "blue" post in terms of language and humor. Some concepts just would be funny without using any profanity (one phrase in particular). But none of you three that read this are particularly squeamish. Between working on construction sites, driving taxi cabs, college, fighting in a war, and working in youth ministry you guys have heard and seen worse.

This will be in no way political, and will kind of transition into a series of posts about the hits and misses (okay, actually just the misses) of my love life in my late teens and early twenties. Those are some very funny stories, many of which have only recently stopped being too embarrassing to relate. A lot of interactions with younger co-workers have brought these flooding back to mind over the past month or two. But for now, here is where we get to the bottom of this interesting sense of humor of mine.


-First, there is a topic we in this country need to have a serious "dialogue" about. Every American needs to take a few minutes, take a long hard look in the mirror and seriously consider the question, "can I really get away with wearing these shorts in public?” This is not directed strictly at women or fat people. I know damn well that no one wants to see my legs. I think some rules would be in order. I'll let someone else draw up the legislation but I want a provision about no short-shorts on men. My job has some fringe benefits in terms of scenery, but it really cuts both ways some times. A few weeks ago I wanted to walk up to a woman and say, "ma'am I will never be able to eat cottage cheese again as long as I live because of you. Seriously, I have the exact, literal opposite of an erection right now."


-I ran a lot of these ideas past Bob last night. We talked for like four hours. This is cool because I won't feel ripped off when I pay my cell phone bill this month. Last month, I used 3 minutes the entire month. Not even full minutes. That's just the smallest billing increment.


-I get to meet a lot of idiots working in a hardware store. But I'd say per capita in college than any place I've ever been except for Battle Creek, MI.


-I find Asian women have the hardest foreign accents for me to understand. Not sure why, but no other group is even close.


-German women are my least favorite customers to deal with. I actually got a full sentence out in response to a question from one once without being interrupted and I felt like I had just made a major accomplishment. It was probably a very short sentence.


-I heard that in France if you go into a store and don't speak the language they rip you off like crazy. Here you get to be angry at the employees because they speak the language of the country you snuck into illegally.


-Yeah, I said it. Someone's got to say it.


-I'm mainly writing these down so that I can remember them when I'm ready to write my book "Excuse Me Sir, Do You Work Here?" about my work experiences. This will be followed up by my book "Never Get into a Fist-fight Over a Woman You Haven't Slept With... and other dating lessons I learned the hard way." (That's kind of a working-title.)


-I never cease to be amazed how small of an amount of money people are willing to humiliate themselves in public over. "This is 2 dollars more than I thought. I'm going to make a complete idiot out of myself. That'll show 'em!"


-I love it when people argue with me over what brand of paint I sell. It's not like I would know having been there 40 hours a week for the last 5 years. A close second are people who say, "What do you mean you're out of it?” It takes every drop of self-control I have not to say: "What the fuck did that sentence sound like it meant?”


-Two quick non-work things: One of my least favorite phrases is "good eatin'", "eatin' good", or any variation thereof. Any time I hear this said, I'm half-expecting the person to be talking about road-kill. Second, the oddest pairing of songs I've ever gotten from having my MP3 player on random mode just happened. It was "Big Iron" by Marty Robbins followed by "The Beast and the Harlot" by Avenged Sevenfold. Talk about a train-wreck.


-I suggested to the manager of my store that if they put a few more things out on the sidewalk in front of the building people wouldn't be able to use the doors at all. Apparently this isn't the goal. The goal is just to make it so that people have to run a gauntlet of incoming traffic to get in. This way you know they're serious about spending money.


-Attention America: you and your plants are out of control. I can't even go near that area as a customer, let alone dressed like an employee. It's like the thunderdome in all honesty.


-A good deal of energy is spent by me trying not to have to help anyone else in other areas after closing. If asked if I'm done in my department the answer is always "no". There has only been one exception this year. Me and my co-worker Mike were closing when this manager, Fred, who is a nice guy but always looks a little overwhelmed comes over and asks us to go help outside after the store closes.
The conversation went like this:
Fred: Is there any way you guys can go help out in garden?
Me: No, I think we’ve got plenty to do to keep us busy over here.
Fred: It’s just that those girls are getting slammed out there and…
Me (interrupting): We’ll both go. You had us at “girls are getting slammed”. Wherever there’s a girl getting slammed I’ll be there.

-Did you catch the literary reference there?

-So I had typed out like 15 more of these and hit POST, only to have it disappear. Fucking Blogspot. So I’m skipping most of them only to re-type the Michael Jackson related ones.

-This just in. Michael Jackson is dead. I’m sure for the next several weeks you’ll hear a lot of “entertainer of the century” talk, as though Elvis Aron Presley never lived. In tribute I’ll say “Your legend burned out long before your candle ever did.”

-I should do a complete parody to be called “Candy-ass in the Wind”. Too soon? Too bad. There was no moratorium when John Denver died.

-You know he was doing those kids allegedly, right?

-If a woman told you you “kiss like a girl”, is that good? Bad? What the hell does that even mean?

-Some one just called the station I’m listening to to say “Michael Jackson touched every one in one way or another allegedly”. And the “another” is what I’d like to talk about right now.

-“Billie Jean’s not my lover….because I’m a homosexual pedophile allegedly”

-Now a grown man has called up taking it horribly. In the words of the Godfather “you can act like a man”. Pour yourself a shot of something and then go take a walk in the rain.

-I’m so pissed about having to re-type this. They were flowing one after another earlier.

-I’m waiting for someone to call in and say “ I lost my virginity to a Michael Jackson song… to my Little League coach in the 4th grade.”

-The song? Beat It allegedly.

-When I die make all the jokes you want. I won’t care at that point.

-Michael Jackson leaves behind three kids….who, to be brutally honest, are probably way better off this way. It's horrible, yes. But maybe now they can take the damn blankets off their heads.

-Now people are sharing their memories of Michael. My memory is him on MTV talking about having his penis photographed by the police. That was pretty messed up. Just his ultra-high voice saying "my penis" scarred my young mind allegedly.

-Anyway, mercifully those are all I can remember. Maybe I'll post more of the work related stuff but I'm not re-typing it again today. Oh well, lesson learned. Also, RIP Farrah Fawcett, who as far as I know was never accused of molesting anyone.